Shadow work theory

Most of the major theories concerning the psychological factors in sexual behavior are directly or indirectly of emotional and unconscious origin.

Of course this has spread to many other areas of interest in human emotions and behaviours. We see this most clearly in the theory of archetypal energies: the king, warrior, magician, and lover.

Psychoanalysts such as Freud attributed our problems in sexual responsiveness primarily to unconscious concepts such as Oedipal conflict, guilt, fear of body damage (resulting, for example, from penetration or pregnancy), and fixation at immature levels of personal development.

How have such concepts fared in the light of the information that has become available about newer structures and in particular the archetypal model used to explain the personality in both men and women? Empirical findings support psychotherapeutic theory in its general emphasis on the importance of early socialization influences. However, shadow work is a better modern formulation of these influences, because it explains our fear of intimacy and our fear of being alone.

The shadow work view is that psychosexual maturity is reflected in things such as ability to achieve orgasm during intercourse and feeling comfortable with true emotional intimacy. Shadow work and its practitioners would regard failures in these areas as being the consequence of unresolved emotional wounds in one or more archetypal energies. The purpose of shadow work is to resolve such failures of psychological and emotional development.

For example, men whose difficulties in reaching orgasm when suffering from delayed ejaculation are due to fear of sex or women. By unearthing the deeper unconscious issues, men can move into a more relaxed and fulfilling expression of their sexuality.

Equally, a woman experiences difficulty in intimacy or sexual pleasure may have complex emotional woundings which can be effectively addressed through shadow work.

The truth is that one will have difficulty in arriving at any clear-cut decisions with respect to this matter until deep work facilitated by an experienced practitioner can be brought to bear on the situation.

In general, psychoanalytic concepts about sexual responsiveness in men and women have been largely unsupported by the empirical evidence. By contrast, shadow work simply takes the symptoms, looks for the historical antecedents, and then works  with those historical antecedents to offer resolution of childhood trauma. In turn this allows full sexual expression and the achievement of sexual pleasure and satisfaction.  

Certain psychological qualities accompany ease of sexual expression in Western culture. These qualities cohere around several themes: interest in close interpersonal involvement with others, good parenting, lack of childhood trauma, identification of one’s prime life goals, and relative feelings of emotional freedom.

Orgasm consistency and other measures of sexual responsiveness are not generally related to how well a woman conforms to the usual concepts of femininity. The same is true for men. It is the absence of or reparation of historical emotional wounding that leads to emotional & sexual well-being. 

Many women reject conventional femininity and are actually interested in emulating masculine values such as the warrior archetype. And, for women, satisfaction with the feminine role, acceptance of established definitions of the woman’s place in the family, political-economic conservatism, and so forth, had no consistent or generalized relationships with the ease of attaining sexual pleasure and satisfaction.

A woman can be in revolt against the societal definition of femininity and still be highly fulfilled sexually. A woman who fits the conventional feminine model perfectly may be seriously lacking in her ability to become sexually aroused.

So, to sum this up: the qualities that figure most in a woman’s ability to enjoy sex seem not so much to be linked to definitions of femininity as anchored in broader emotional healing and well-being.

Good emotional nurturing in childhood, and good fathering and mothering, are most important in the psychological make-up of any human being.

Relationship Advice

We all know that the course of true love never runs smooth! In fact, romantic relationships, although able to offer some of the best experiences of our lives, can also offer some of the worst. I do not want to be discouraging here, but it’s a fact that these days 50% of all marriages end in divorce. One of the reasons for this appears to be the fact that people don’t communicate well.

You might therefore assume, and you would be quite correct in doing so, that the best and most effective tool for relationship stability is good communication. When people communicate with in a relationship, it’s observable that if they say five times more positive than negative things to each other, the relationship has a much higher chance of surviving than if the ratio is lower than this.

This is amazing finding, because it’s very clear that people who care about the attitude of their partners and the emotional tone of the relationship are more involved. Having said that, of course one must ask, “well why wouldn’t they be?”

It’s absolutely essential for couples to communicate in a loving fashion and build each other self-esteem if they are to stay together. You would need to be an emotional masochist to stay in a relationship where your partner was undermining you, either overtly or covertly, on a continuing basis.

So how is good communication established?

The answer is that good communication is the product of several things.

For one thing it’s the product of reflective listening. This is about showing the partner that you are truly engaged with what they’re saying – and your interest in what they are saying is reflected back to them.

You can increase the effectiveness of reflective listening by observing what your partner is saying and verifying it – in other words making some enquiry to absolutely ascertain whether or not you’ve heard them correctly. It also helps to empathize with them as they speak.

Keep in mind that women in particular often just want a man to listen to them, rather than offering solutions or fixing problems.

And also – remember that the best relationships between men and women are the ones where the man is sensitive enough to know whether he should provide a solution for the woman or just listen to her so that she can work out her problems for herself.

Another interesting observation about relationships is that apology can be a massive tool in cementing the relationship firmly together.

In society these days we casually throw out a “sorry!” without thinking too much about whether it’s sincere or not. But there is evidence which demonstrates that couples who apologize to each other stay together much longer than couples who do not apologize to each other.

This strongly suggest that when an apology is sincere, it has an impact on the person who receives it. Therefore, if you’re guilty of any transgression against your partner, within your relationship, it’s definitely worth apologizing…… but only do this if it’s from place of sincerity.

Now good communication involves a two-way exchange of negotiation and mutual listening. There are many models of good communication available in the world of shadow work,  counselling and therapy, but one particularly successful one is the model by Marianne Hill, called the Five Fields Framework. You can read about the Five Fields model, and its use in organisations, here.